I recently got a letter from a visitor to the blog who said essentially, “my boyfriend is playing mind games, and I’m tired of it.” That I could understand. It’s difficult trudging through the emotions you’re already feeling related to the break up, but when your ex decides now is the time to pull out his bag of emotional tricks so he can play mind games with you, it’s too much. It’s so easy –too easy – to fall into the traps he sets and the results are rarely good. There are a few common tricks men like to play with the women they dumped, so I’m here to give you a short primer on what they are and what you need to do to get the upper hand.
Mind Games are Your Ex Boyfriend’s Way of Controlling You
He calls often to say he misses you. One of the standard lines that men often fall back to when they don’t know what else to say is that they miss you. It’s easy to see why they have this in their arsenal of emotional tricks to play on women. We respond when a man says he misses us. We instantly jump to the conclusion that it means he loves us, whether he has hinted he does or not. It’s a great line for a man to use to judge how a woman feels. When your ex boyfriend says he misses you, he’ll be waiting for you to respond in kind. If you do, he sees that as an open door to spend time with you. If he’s lonely in that moment, he may stick around for a bit, but then he’ll disappear.
He calls and then doesn’t return your calls. This is one mind game many ex boyfriend’s have in their bag of emotional tricks. He’ll have a momentary lapse in resolve and he’ll call. You’ll have a nice conversation and then you’ll decide it’s a great idea to call him back in a day or two since things felt so promising between you two on the phone. He doesn’t pick up and even though you leave several voice mail messages, he doesn’t call back. It leaves you feeling despondent again and you wonder whether you misread his signals. You didn’t. He just decided that getting close to you again wasn’t what he wanted after all.
He wants to be intimate. If your ex boyfriend is pursuing intimacy with you, that’s a mind game that you cannot allow yourself to become a player in. I repeat: DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. Men don’t equate intimacy to love the same way we do and if you take that plunge with your ex boyfriend you can expect him to continue to be your ex boyfriend. Men miss intimacy when it’s removed from their lives. If he’s not with anyone else at the moment, and he starts thinking about how fantastic intimacy was with you, he’ll come back looking for it. But that’s all he’s looking for. He knows that you’ll likely want to because you’ll see it as a step towards getting back together. Stay strong and don’t give in to this.
He seems interested for a time and then pulls back. A man’s ego is a delicate thing, ladies. It doesn’t matter who dumped who, if your ex boyfriend’s ego is fragile, he’s going to test you to see if you still want him. He may want nothing at all to do with you in reality, but he’ll use the premise of wanting to see how you are or wanting to ensure you’re okay. Once he has you engaged in a conversation, he may ask you out for coffee. Your heart leaps because you’re convinced it means he’s ready to get back together. In that moment, your hopes are become real and you invest yourself emotionally back into the relationship. Maybe you’ll tell him you still love him or you can’t wait to be together again. The moment you say those things, he’ll recoil. He’ll run for the door again because he got exactly what he wanted. You fed his ego and now he’s satiated.
Regardless of what game he decides to play with you next, you’re going to use one certain move to disarm him. It’s the one thing I always advise women in this position to do.
You Need to Create Distance From Your Ex Boyfriend – Physical and Emotional Distance
He’s expecting you to fall into a pile of sensitivity once he starts playing his mind games with you. You’re not going to make that move. You’re going to show him that you control your emotions, not him.
If he calls you, be brief and cordial. Don’t offer even one ounce of information about what’s going on in your life right now. It’s not his business. He took away the privilege of being in your inner circle when he decided to dump you.
If he wants to see you, suggest a time next week. This is a great approach because it will show you whether or not he’s interested in getting back together. If he’s craving some company at the moment, you won’t hear from him by the time you’re proposed meeting day arrives. Don’t jump at the chance to see him. He wants to see whether you’re willing to jump through hoops for him. Show him that won’t happen.
The biggest rule for you to follow is to not make contact with him. Don’t be the one to call him. If he calls you and leaves a voice mail, try and return his call once, the next day. If he doesn’t answer, don’t call back.
Stay focused and strong. You want to show him that his mind games won’t work on you. You’re too mature and emotionally balanced for that.